An Evaluation of my Heart

Currently I am listening to a song by Matthew West entitled “Only Grace”. It discusses how there’s only grace, only love, only mercy…and that’s enough. Our sins our gone, without a trace. Often I forget this. It’s as if this is a Christian cliché that we no longer consider the meaning of, the power to. I’ve realized lately that I tend to beat myself up and blame myself for things that I need to let go into the hands of Christ. I make mistakes, I get upset at a friend, I raise my voice to a child, I gossip, I do things I know I should not do. Then I dwell. I may dwell for hours, a day, or even a week. I run the circumstance through my head over and over again. I realize how dirty I am. How I should be nothing but a worm smooshed into the ground. I feel disgusted at myself. Showers don’t work to clean the guilt, no matter how hard I scrub. Talking to others doesn’t help… I just feel as if I am spreading my life around like a child with his fingers in paint. Then I turn on some light music and fall to my knees. I’m so helpless. I’m so immature. I’m so irresponsible. In the quiet I realize once again how much I need Christ, how much I need grace.

Philip Yancey tells the following story in his book What’s So Amazing About Grace?:

                “A friend of mine riding a bus to work overheard a conversation between the young woman sitting next to him and her neighbor across the aisle. The woman was reading Scott Peck’s The Road Less Traveled, the book that has stayed on The New York Times Best-Sellers list longer than any other.

                ‘What are you reading?’ asked the neighbor.

                ‘A book a friend gave me. She said it changed her life.’

                ‘Oh, yeah? What’s it about?’

                ‘I’m not sure. Some sort of guide to life. I haven’t got very far yet.’ She began flipping through the book. ‘Here are the chapter titles: Discipline, Love, Grace,…’

                The man stopped her. ‘What’s grace?’

                ‘I don’t know. I haven’t got to Grace yet.’”

                Wow! Do we as Christians really lack grace so much that others around us don’t even understand what it is? Do we as Christians not show grace? I know this is something I struggle with. We try not to judge…out loud that is. This is something I have difficulty with. Despite how hard I try not to, often I find myself looking at others, or their lives, and judging. I’m certainly not showing mercy. Sometimes I put myself above others. I don’t show humility. I certainly don’t show grace. I don’t pardon them from their pasts, as if that is even my place! I’m not God! This is quite embarrassing to say, but it’s the truth. How are we supposed to show the love of Christ if we don’t have it?

                As I make my way through Philip Yancey’s book, I’m reevaluating myself. I’m reevaluating not just my actions, but my thoughts. Only God and I know my thoughts, and my thoughts show my real heart. I pray that God will do a great work on my heart. I pray that I am willing to go under construction, as we always should be.

                I’m not worthy of anything I’ve been given. I’m not worthy to be in the United States, a place where I can freely worship my God. I’m not worthy to have a family or friends who love me, a car to drive, or a roof over my head. Who am I to be blessed with all these things? I need to look at the lives of others and give generously. I need to not judge. I need to show grace, as Christ has for me and everyone who has given their hearts over to him.

                The following poem was displayed in my church bulletin yesterday. It gave me hope that I’d like to share.

KEEP ON KEEPING ON

“I’ve dreamed many dreams that never came true; I’ve seen them vanish at dawn;

But I’ve realized enough of my dreams, thank God, to make me want to dream on.

I’ve prayed many prayers when no answer came; I’ve waited patient and long;

But answers have come to enough of my prayers, to make me keep praying on.

I’ve trusted many a friend who failed, and left me to weep all alone,

But I’ve found enough of my friends true-blue, to make me keep trusting on.

I’ve sown many seeds that fell by the way, for the birds to come and feed upon,

But I’ve held enough golden sheaves in my hand, to make me keep sowing on.

I’ve drained the cup of disappointment and pain; I’ve gone many days without song,

But I’ve supped enough nectar from the rose of life, to make me want to live on.

So when all of life is pressing you down, and you say, Lord, my strength is all gone,

His voice will then say in his love as you pray, ‘in my grace keep on keeping on.’”