“Why am I here?” “I love it here!” “Wow- that was a fun day.” “Just shoot me now.” Up and down, up and down, up and down. One day I question why I’m here and other days I love it and wish I could stay here forever. Today was a “Just shoot me now.” day.
I sit here typing and I just want to cry. I know God is at work, but it’s extremely difficult to be patient when I don’t see fruit right away. My kids were out of control this week. One thing after another kept coming at me. I was dodging bullets every single day. Students would intentionally scream “NO!” to me just to be defiant. They pushed my every button. They would feed off of one another, and eventually engulf everyone in their attitude. The office was an option I used, but they like it there! They enjoy the atmosphere. I kept some students after school until dinnertime, but then that cuts into my running time (which I need to de-stress). Therefore, I was on the edge of my seat and at the end of my string.
Tonight I took three girls to Pizza Hut as a reward for them completing their November “Book-it”. If they read 250 minutes, they would receive a personal pan pizza. However, looking back, I regret the trip I just took. They will not be going again anytime in the near future. These three girls were intentionally pulling the seats up and down in the van the entire trip. It was very distracting as I tried to drive on the highway, let alone a safety hazard. On the way back, I even had to stop the van. They don’t control themselves, and I know a lot of it is due to the way they are brought up. It’s so frustrating! I cannot just step into their lives and change what they’ve learned over the past 9 years right away, and that is causing me to get wrinkles at a young age!
I am 22, going on 23 next month. Why did God bring me here? I’m so far from my family. I’m far from a city and my friends. I know He has a reason, and I’ve been able to see my growth since July. I’ve been learning more about responsibility, not only for myself but for others as well. I’ve been learning to be more giving of my resources, and not to hoard what I have. I’ve been learning that I cannot do everything by myself. I’ve been learning that I am valuable and can be loved. But why do these lessons have to be so difficult to learn? Why do I have to be broken in the process? I just don’t understand and, as tears fall on my keyboard, I yearn to be embraced. Not just hugged, embraced…for what may seem like forever.
I know I have to trust that God will do good things. I know He is in the process of doing so. But it’s hard and I’m scared. I know that the bible commands us not to worry, or be afraid, because God has a future and a hope for us, but it’s easier said than done. Please pray that I can have patience with my kids, trust God more completely, and not be so easily disheartened, especially as the Christmas season is upon us.
Now as I head down to the valley to spend time with my best friends and to Vegas to spend time with my family over the next month, I hope to be rejuvenated, filled with new ideas, and refreshed. I pray that January will come with a fresh new breeze and positive attitudes.
You are not alone. I have the same doubts and fears and struggles down here in Mexico. You are planting seeds that will grow into these kids' hearts. God is working in these kid's hearts. He will provide you with all of your needs in His timing. Just know that you are not alone. I am praying for you Janna.
ReplyDelete