So often I feel unworthy. I feel undeserving of everything I’ve been given. Who am I to live in an apartment with water and electricity when so much of the world is without? Who am I to have three meals to eat each day when a great population has nothing? Who am I to have a supportive family when so many children have no one to tell them they are loved? Who am I? What right do I have to be where I am?
Laura Story wrote a song entitled “Grace”. I’m currently living by these words. I sing this song and digest the lyrics each time I am discouraged, which is frequently. They are as follows:
My heart is so proud. My mind is so unfocused. I see the things You do through me as great things I have done. And now You gently break me, then lovingly You take me and hold me as my father and mold me as my maker.
I ask you: "How many times will you pick me up, when I keep on letting you down?
And each time I will fall short of Your glory, how far will forgiveness abound?"
And you answer: " My child, I love you.
And as long as you're seeking My face, You'll walk in the power of My daily sufficient grace."
At times I may grow weak and feel a bit discouraged, knowing that someone, somewhere could do a better job. For who am I to serve You? I know I don't deserve You. And that's the part that burns in my heart and keeps me hanging on.
I ask you: "How many times will you pick me up, when I keep on letting you down?
And each time I will fall short of Your glory, how far will forgiveness abound?"
And you answer: " My child, I love you.
And as long as you're seeking My face, You'll walk in the power of My daily sufficient grace."
You are so patient with me, Lord.
As I walk with You, I'm learning what Your grace really means. The price that I could never pay was paid at Calvary. So, instead of trying to repay You, I'm learning to simply obey You by giving up my life to you For all that You've given to me.
It’s always encouraging reading His word and how He is with me…how He understands me like no one else… how He knows my words before they’re even spoken. My students had to memorize Isaiah 41:13 a few weeks ago for chapel. It reads, “For I am the Lord, your God, who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, ‘Do not fear. I will help you.’” Isn’t that so neat!? Isn’t it so encouraging to know that He is our God and He holds our hand?! It’s like this afternoon in the office. I walked through to check my mail and found Rosie and Linda holding onto Rosie’s one-year old granddaughter’s hand. She was walking! Rosie and Linda were guiding her. That’s exactly what Christ does! We are walking and He holds our hand. So comforting…
You know what else I’ve been thinking about lately? We can love each other on this earth, yet despite how close we grow to one another, we cannot fully know each other’s hearts. Only God can. For example, picture marriage. Whoever we choose to marry, to spend the rest of eternity with, is probably the one individual that we will get the most intimate with in our lives…the person we will strive to get to know the deepest. Yet, even then, this relationship does not even begin to measure up to our relationship with Christ, with how well He knows us.
A great illustration of this comes from Blue Like Jazz, the book I am currently reading. Donald Miller writes nonreligious thoughts on Christian spirituality and he speaks with a close friend of his about marriage. His friend, Paul, states the following about his wife:
“I’m saying there is stuff I can’t tell her, not because I don’t want to, but because there aren’t words. It’s like we are separate people, and there is no getting inside each other to read each other’s thoughts, each other’s beings. Marriage is amazing because it is the closest two people can get, but they can’t get all the way to that place of absolute knowing. Marriage is the most beautiful thing I have ever dreamed of, Don, but it isn’t everything. It isn’t Mecca. Danielle loves everything about me; she accepts me and tolerates me and encourages me. She knows me better than anybody else in the world, but she doesn’t know all of me, and I don’t know all of her. And I never thought after I got married there would still be something lacking. I always thought marriage, especially after I first met Danielle, would be the ultimate fulfillment. It is great, don’t get me wrong, and I am glad I married Danielle, and I will be with her forever. But there are places in our lives that only God can go.”
It’s nice knowing that God goes there. He isn’t afraid of the crap in our lives. He doesn’t hesitate to approach us because of our past. He does not see us as unclean. I love having a God who knows more about me than I know about myself. I love being adored by Him…
Here at Sun Valley I see how I am adored by Him. It’s very clear. For example, today I was feeling a bit down about some things in my life and God sent Wallace as an encouragement. Wallace provided me with a poem he wrote several years back, including words I needed to hear. God also sent Vanessa to listen to me and Steve to send me a little encouragement online. I absolutely delight in how I am taken care of here. Everything comes at the moment I need it. It’s similar to manna in the Old Testament…only provided one day at a time. The Israelites had to have faith in knowing that God would provide not only for today, but for tomorrow, and next week. I am learning to have that kind of faith here.
I had the privilege of visiting my friends in Flagstaff this past weekend for Labor Day. Jenn and I ate at Katie Cupcake off of Milton and were able to sit by the side of the road and catch up on life. Moriah, Jessica, and Bre joined us for a girl’s night as well. On Sunday Jenn and I attended church at both NorthPoint and Flagstaff Christian Fellowship. After, I had an intense craving for a gyro pita at Pita Pit. We managed to gather a good size group of students to join us. One of them was a freshman named Michael from NAU. I wanted to mention him because he impressed me. This young man has a lot of character for a person of his age. He was so genuine in his desire to know God and to know Flagstaff and the people around the city. As we were walking through downtown, we passed a homeless man who gave the spill of being on a journey and needing money. Now I never give anybody money, but I will buy food. He followed us to Nimarcos where I went in to purchase him some pizza. Michael ran in behind and insisted on paying. He then grabbed a cup of water for this man and satisfied his immediate needs. I was fascinated by this. I definitely think more young people need to have that kind of heart.
This past week has been a bit of a struggle with my children here on campus. Several returned from Labor Day weekend with baggage, bringing it into the classroom. My mom was visiting as well, making it a bit more challenging. On Wednesday one of my students broke down in the cafeteria. She basically had a meltdown and lost control. It took a good while for her to piece herself back together. Attitudes have continued and many laps were run around the playground after school as a consequence. In fact, one student ran a total of about 18 laps this week. My patience is really being tested here.
We all went to Payson on Thursday for a cross country meet. I take joy in attending these events, as I can bring my camera and cheer on my kids. I really feel that it helps my students to understand how much I care for them when I support them both inside and outside of the classroom. On the way home we stopped at a gas station for a quick break. I discovered later that two of my students stole gum from the store. Happenings such as this break my heart. I desire so much for them to understand and develop good morals. God continues to provide us with wisdom in handling them when they arise though…
Tonight (Friday) I had the opportunity to join the younger girls for avocado facials. Jessica was very kind in making the facial mask and in discussing with the girls the necessity in understanding that beauty comes from within. Multiple guys around campus rid their face of hair and joined us for the activity. It is always humorous seeing the excitement in these men to receive facials, manicures, and pedicures. It’s all out of love for the students, I know.
After they left, I joined the girls in watching “Because of Winn Dixie”. Chenika and Jessica rested their heads on my lap. Chenika asked me, “Ms. Matheny, am I heavy?” I said, “Of course not sweetie!” She replied, “My mom and dad say I’m heavy.” I answered, “You are not! They’re just being silly.” We both laughed, yet once again my heart was slightly broken knowing the words that are spoken at home. As a girl, I know that even “innocent” words such as these can have a lasting negative affect on a young girl.
When the girls had finally made their way to bed, I made my rounds to the rooms. I gave each girl a good night hug. Jessica, a second grader, asked if I could tuck her in and pray with her. I was honored to have received the privilege to sit beside her bed and lead her in a goodnight prayer.
I am touched that I get to spend the day with the students tomorrow. We are taking them to the Lava Tubes in Flagstaff for an underground adventure and cannot wait.
God is working here, despite hardships that arise. It is evident that He is in the midst of everything, and I know I don’t deserve to be a part of it. But, as Laura Story sings, “that’s the part that burns in my heart and keeps me hanging on.”
No comments:
Post a Comment